1 00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:01,259 - Hi, I'm Brennan Lee Mulligan. 2 00:00:01,260 --> 00:00:02,669 - And I'm Jacob Lawrence Wysocki. 3 00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:04,499 It's our third time, and he's got three names, 4 00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:05,999 so I have to have three names, too. 5 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:07,829 - Lawrence. I'm shocked. 6 00:00:07,830 --> 00:00:09,119 - You didn't know? - I didn't know. 7 00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:10,064 - Now they know. 8 00:00:10,065 --> 00:00:11,549 (upbeat music) 9 00:00:11,550 --> 00:00:13,499 - [Vic] Today, we're giving these comedians 10 00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:15,585 a total transformation. 11 00:00:15,586 --> 00:00:16,469 - Oh, yeah. 12 00:00:16,470 --> 00:00:17,909 - [Vic] They have no idea who 13 00:00:17,910 --> 00:00:20,219 or what they're about to become. 14 00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:22,109 Once they see themselves in the mirror, 15 00:00:22,110 --> 00:00:24,869 they'll have to make up a character on the spot 16 00:00:24,870 --> 00:00:27,913 and then sit down with me for an improvised interview. 17 00:00:27,914 --> 00:00:29,339 (Jacob laughs) 18 00:00:29,340 --> 00:00:31,827 This is "Very Important People". 19 00:00:32,554 --> 00:00:34,559 - Oh my God. 20 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:35,455 - Brennan, I'm scared. 21 00:00:35,456 --> 00:00:36,561 - I'm scared. 22 00:00:36,562 --> 00:00:38,369 (upbeat music) 23 00:00:38,370 --> 00:00:39,239 - Oh no. 24 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,339 - Now, that is- - [Jacob] Oh no. 25 00:00:41,340 --> 00:00:43,335 - Now, that is tough. 26 00:00:43,336 --> 00:00:46,586 (Jacob laughs) - (laughs) Now, that is- 27 00:00:46,587 --> 00:00:48,209 - You look crazy. 28 00:00:48,210 --> 00:00:52,079 - I hate what I look like. 29 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:56,271 - I am so happy I don't look like you. (laughs) 30 00:00:56,272 --> 00:00:58,139 That's gross. You got a poo-poo in the diaper. 31 00:00:58,140 --> 00:00:59,216 - [Brennan] I'm riding low. 32 00:00:59,217 --> 00:01:00,569 What's up, man? - [Jacob] What's up? Hey. 33 00:01:00,570 --> 00:01:02,069 What's up, Avery Middle School? 34 00:01:02,070 --> 00:01:04,769 Who's here to learn a little bit about puberty? 35 00:01:04,770 --> 00:01:07,229 - We are adult British men. 36 00:01:07,230 --> 00:01:09,899 - Yes, we're actually just waiting for the bus. 37 00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:12,839 - Hey, where can a guy get some breast milk around here? 38 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:16,149 - Welcome to the baby dimension. 39 00:01:16,150 --> 00:01:17,489 May I suck on it? 40 00:01:17,490 --> 00:01:19,679 - Yes. Get in there. 41 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:20,955 Oh, there you go. 42 00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:23,140 (crew laughing) 43 00:01:23,141 --> 00:01:26,224 (upbeat jazzy music) 44 00:01:38,969 --> 00:01:40,649 - We all have a story to tell, 45 00:01:40,650 --> 00:01:42,449 and sometimes those stories need 46 00:01:42,450 --> 00:01:44,189 to be shared with the world. 47 00:01:44,190 --> 00:01:45,899 Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis, 48 00:01:45,900 --> 00:01:50,609 back with another edition of "Very Important People". 49 00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:52,319 Please, introduce yourself. 50 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:56,429 - All rise for my formal announcement, please. 51 00:01:56,430 --> 00:02:01,007 Me and my brother are up for adoption. 52 00:02:01,008 --> 00:02:02,326 - Okay. 53 00:02:02,327 --> 00:02:03,689 - Hello. - Hi. 54 00:02:03,690 --> 00:02:05,159 - I'm Archimedes. 55 00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:06,213 - And I'm Ollie. 56 00:02:07,250 --> 00:02:10,709 (groovy percussive music) 57 00:02:10,710 --> 00:02:12,629 - Ollie, Archimedes, thank you so much 58 00:02:12,630 --> 00:02:13,829 for joining us on the show today. 59 00:02:13,830 --> 00:02:15,449 Please take a seat. 60 00:02:15,450 --> 00:02:16,282 - Splendid. 61 00:02:16,283 --> 00:02:17,879 - Maybe Ollie, why don't you come right here, 62 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:19,169 and Archimedes, we'll have you a little, 63 00:02:19,170 --> 00:02:21,089 a little further away over here. 64 00:02:21,090 --> 00:02:24,059 Wow, okay, and so he did sort of pick the one closer to me. 65 00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:25,619 I love that. I love that. 66 00:02:25,620 --> 00:02:28,619 We sort of heard one, one child was coming on the program, 67 00:02:28,620 --> 00:02:29,452 and so we sort of got- 68 00:02:29,453 --> 00:02:31,046 - Double trouble, I'm afraid. 69 00:02:31,047 --> 00:02:32,969 - [Vic] And that was my- - Twice the heart. 70 00:02:32,970 --> 00:02:36,029 - My exact thought, and so you are genetically related? 71 00:02:36,030 --> 00:02:37,979 - Yes, we're identical twins. 72 00:02:37,980 --> 00:02:42,089 - Wow. The resemblance is just absolutely sensational. 73 00:02:42,090 --> 00:02:44,429 So you two are looking to be adopted? 74 00:02:44,430 --> 00:02:46,979 - Yes. We're looking for a perfect family. 75 00:02:46,980 --> 00:02:48,959 - As you can see, we childproofed the set today. 76 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:49,799 I did it myself, 77 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,539 because everybody else was taking a lunch break, 78 00:02:51,540 --> 00:02:53,969 and so I said, you stay there, you keep eating your lunch, 79 00:02:53,970 --> 00:02:55,139 and I will babyproof the set. 80 00:02:55,140 --> 00:02:56,519 - Thank you so much. 81 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,019 - You're welcome, Ollie. 82 00:02:58,020 --> 00:03:00,569 - In many ways, we're all on our own. 83 00:03:00,570 --> 00:03:01,619 - What do you mean by that? 84 00:03:01,620 --> 00:03:02,939 - Consciousness. 85 00:03:02,940 --> 00:03:06,209 We're born into this world trapped in our own minds, 86 00:03:06,210 --> 00:03:07,979 and we die alone. 87 00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:10,589 Do you know anyone who wants to be our mother? 88 00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:12,899 - Well, you know, you two are here today to find that out, 89 00:03:12,900 --> 00:03:15,059 and I am sure that we can find a viewer out there 90 00:03:15,060 --> 00:03:18,689 that is very happy to welcome one of you into their home. 91 00:03:18,690 --> 00:03:20,909 - What are your average numbers on the program? 92 00:03:20,910 --> 00:03:22,707 - I'm sorry? - (shouting) Your ratings! 93 00:03:22,708 --> 00:03:24,818 - Careful. Enjoy it. - Sorry. 94 00:03:24,819 --> 00:03:26,939 - Enjoy it. Good. 95 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:28,799 - May I ask, how old are you two? 96 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:29,632 - Babies. 97 00:03:29,633 --> 00:03:31,229 - Babies. I see. 98 00:03:31,230 --> 00:03:32,399 I see and I understand. 99 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:33,539 You two are looking to be adopted. 100 00:03:33,540 --> 00:03:35,429 It seems like you're doing all right on your own. 101 00:03:35,430 --> 00:03:36,929 What is the impetus to be adopted? 102 00:03:36,930 --> 00:03:41,189 - Ollie wishes to know the touch of a mother's caress. 103 00:03:41,190 --> 00:03:44,219 I have a quality to my skin 104 00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:49,220 where it bears the temperature of a not too fresh cadaver, 105 00:03:49,470 --> 00:03:53,579 and so I don't expect that even the most stouthearted woman 106 00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:57,959 would be able to touch me and do anything other than recoil. 107 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:01,559 - I like to think of him as an ever cool pillow. 108 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:03,376 - What a charming way to think about that. 109 00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:05,272 I love your sunny disposition. 110 00:04:05,273 --> 00:04:07,019 I am gonna say this right here. 111 00:04:07,020 --> 00:04:09,329 I think that we are gonna get you a home 112 00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:11,136 by the end of this episode. 113 00:04:11,137 --> 00:04:11,969 How do we feel about that? 114 00:04:11,970 --> 00:04:14,701 - Oh, we've heard it many times before. 115 00:04:14,702 --> 00:04:16,409 (crew member sneezes) - Ah, what's happened? 116 00:04:16,410 --> 00:04:17,425 - Oh, it's okay. It's okay. 117 00:04:17,426 --> 00:04:19,527 Deep breath. You're okay. - Ah, what's happened? 118 00:04:19,528 --> 00:04:21,514 - Deep breath. It's okay. - Ah! 119 00:04:21,515 --> 00:04:22,981 - And we are. And we're. - Ah! 120 00:04:22,982 --> 00:04:24,423 - And we're totally. Hey. 121 00:04:24,424 --> 00:04:26,411 ? Hush now ? 122 00:04:26,412 --> 00:04:28,081 ? Shut your mouth ? 123 00:04:28,082 --> 00:04:29,956 ? Be so quiet ? 124 00:04:29,957 --> 00:04:32,039 ? And then it'll be all right ? 125 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:33,779 I have a stepdaughter, and that's what I sing to her 126 00:04:33,780 --> 00:04:35,056 when she gets nervous. 127 00:04:35,057 --> 00:04:36,555 - Don't stop. 128 00:04:36,556 --> 00:04:37,893 - ? Okay ? 129 00:04:37,894 --> 00:04:40,699 ? Don't you cry little baby ? 130 00:04:40,700 --> 00:04:42,562 ? Sha-sha-sha-sha ? 131 00:04:42,563 --> 00:04:44,286 ? Qua-qua-qua-qua ? ? Sha-sha-sha-sha ? 132 00:04:44,287 --> 00:04:46,112 ? Ya-ya-ya-ya ? ? Qua-qua-qua-qua ? 133 00:04:46,113 --> 00:04:47,579 ? Be-be-be-ba ? ? Ya-ya-ya-ya ? 134 00:04:47,580 --> 00:04:49,644 - Okay, that was really lovely. 135 00:04:49,645 --> 00:04:50,822 (Ollie giggles) 136 00:04:50,823 --> 00:04:52,559 - It's happening for you. 137 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,209 - It's going to happen for us. 138 00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:55,996 If it happens for me, it happens for you. 139 00:04:55,997 --> 00:04:57,929 - So you two sort of go as a bonded pair? 140 00:04:57,930 --> 00:05:00,449 - Oh, you wouldn't split up a cat in the litter, would you? 141 00:05:00,450 --> 00:05:02,369 You wouldn't split up a puppy. 142 00:05:02,370 --> 00:05:04,769 - I think sort of famously, puppies do go to separate homes. 143 00:05:04,770 --> 00:05:05,602 - Oh. 144 00:05:05,603 --> 00:05:06,629 - You got a little something. 145 00:05:06,630 --> 00:05:07,605 - I got spittles? 146 00:05:07,606 --> 00:05:09,303 - [Vic] A little spit. - Help me, please. 147 00:05:09,304 --> 00:05:10,745 - I love to be helpful. 148 00:05:10,746 --> 00:05:11,578 - [Ollie] I'm not too dextrous yet. 149 00:05:11,579 --> 00:05:14,789 - Because to help somebody else is to help the entire world. 150 00:05:14,790 --> 00:05:15,749 Okay, so just- 151 00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:18,119 - Fine motor skills come later. 152 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:19,499 - Fine motor skills come later? 153 00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:21,246 That's just sort of a fact. I love that. 154 00:05:21,247 --> 00:05:23,191 I love that one. - I don't even really know 155 00:05:23,192 --> 00:05:24,359 if my face is here or not, 156 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:25,949 'cause I can't see it. 157 00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:27,869 - You have a lovely face, Ollie. 158 00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:29,699 - I like your face. It's a face. 159 00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:31,589 - It's not as good as yours. 160 00:05:31,590 --> 00:05:33,179 - Don't say it like that. 161 00:05:33,180 --> 00:05:35,339 - No, there's something hideous about me. 162 00:05:35,340 --> 00:05:36,597 - [Ollie] No, reframe that thought. 163 00:05:36,598 --> 00:05:37,430 - No. 164 00:05:37,431 --> 00:05:39,239 - You're great. You're lovable. 165 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,029 - Okay, well, you know, you two have been so patient, 166 00:05:42,030 --> 00:05:44,369 such patient, such patient little guys, 167 00:05:44,370 --> 00:05:45,269 so here's what we're gonna do. 168 00:05:45,270 --> 00:05:46,229 We're gonna bring in a little snack 169 00:05:46,230 --> 00:05:47,369 for you two, and some toys. 170 00:05:47,370 --> 00:05:49,349 - Zoom in on me, like from "The Office", 171 00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:50,609 like I'm Jim from "The Office". 172 00:05:50,610 --> 00:05:51,689 - Have you seen "The Office"? 173 00:05:51,690 --> 00:05:52,904 - [Twins] Snack time! 174 00:05:52,905 --> 00:05:54,402 - I'm just, I'm shocked by how- 175 00:05:54,403 --> 00:05:55,289 (toys squeaking) Oh, good. 176 00:05:55,290 --> 00:05:57,646 So that was mine as a child. - Thank you. 177 00:05:57,647 --> 00:05:59,039 Then I thought I'd bring that in for you, 178 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,314 but look it, even cuter and- 179 00:06:01,315 --> 00:06:02,365 - Bang! 180 00:06:02,366 --> 00:06:04,847 Bang, bang, bang! (ceramic shattering) 181 00:06:04,848 --> 00:06:07,322 - Does the child's body speak 182 00:06:07,323 --> 00:06:09,422 even without her vocal chords? (toy softly crying) 183 00:06:09,423 --> 00:06:11,369 - So my mom recorded that voice. 184 00:06:11,370 --> 00:06:12,847 - Archie, what have you done? - [Vic] If you just sorta- 185 00:06:12,848 --> 00:06:14,399 - False baby! 186 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,139 - And my mother hand painted this, 187 00:06:16,140 --> 00:06:17,339 sort of what we have here. - Archie! 188 00:06:17,340 --> 00:06:19,229 - There it is. That's the voice. 189 00:06:19,230 --> 00:06:21,269 It's just a little box, not a real baby. 190 00:06:21,270 --> 00:06:22,102 - Okay. 191 00:06:22,103 --> 00:06:22,935 - [Ollie] Well, I'm glad you've gotten 192 00:06:22,936 --> 00:06:23,768 to the bottom of it. - And I love that. 193 00:06:23,769 --> 00:06:25,109 I love that. I think this is fantastic. 194 00:06:25,110 --> 00:06:26,849 - I accidentally broke this cup. 195 00:06:26,850 --> 00:06:28,469 - Hey, oh, and that's sharp, so we're gonna get that 196 00:06:28,470 --> 00:06:29,669 away from you, actually. - Bang, bang! 197 00:06:29,670 --> 00:06:31,409 - Okay, okay, okay, 198 00:06:31,410 --> 00:06:33,149 and that's so sharp. - It's a really, 199 00:06:33,150 --> 00:06:35,339 really fragile cup. 200 00:06:35,340 --> 00:06:37,349 - And don't worry, I got this, 201 00:06:37,350 --> 00:06:38,789 'cause if I get hurt, that's fine, 202 00:06:38,790 --> 00:06:39,719 and if you guys get hurt, 203 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:41,279 I'd never be able to forgive myself. 204 00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:42,112 - Are you mad at me? 205 00:06:42,113 --> 00:06:44,089 I hadn't known! - You mustn't be mad! 206 00:06:44,090 --> 00:06:45,589 - [Ollie] I hadn't known! - No, I didn't say that. 207 00:06:45,590 --> 00:06:47,189 - I was just playing. - No, we're just playing, 208 00:06:47,190 --> 00:06:48,836 and look, okay, how about some of these other toys, right? 209 00:06:48,837 --> 00:06:50,009 Oh, oh. - Vic. 210 00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:52,289 - Yes? - Ollie has to be stronger 211 00:06:52,290 --> 00:06:53,969 than an adult man, 212 00:06:53,970 --> 00:06:57,119 because where we come from, there are no parents. 213 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,899 We come from a dimension of only babies. 214 00:07:00,900 --> 00:07:01,769 - What do you mean? 215 00:07:01,770 --> 00:07:04,349 - We're cosmonauts, Ollie and I. (curious music) 216 00:07:04,350 --> 00:07:06,839 - We've traveled quite far to find love. 217 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:09,689 - And you came here? To my show, 218 00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:10,919 'cause you knew I could help. 219 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,709 - Well, we found a satellite floating in the cosmos 220 00:07:13,710 --> 00:07:15,299 with a golden disc on it. 221 00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:18,449 It had instructions on where to find a planet. 222 00:07:18,450 --> 00:07:22,199 - An Earth family is our last and greatest hope. 223 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,699 - So you're not looking to take over the world or anything? 224 00:07:23,700 --> 00:07:25,469 You literally just wanna be a part of a family? 225 00:07:25,470 --> 00:07:27,299 - Doesn't every parent want their child 226 00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:28,379 to take over the world? 227 00:07:28,380 --> 00:07:29,390 - I'm sorry. No, hey, come on. 228 00:07:29,391 --> 00:07:31,449 - Ollie. Ollie. - Come on. Hey. 229 00:07:31,450 --> 00:07:33,750 - You unhand my brother! - Okay, okay! And we're fine! 230 00:07:33,751 --> 00:07:34,583 We're fine! 231 00:07:34,584 --> 00:07:35,582 - Calm down. 232 00:07:35,583 --> 00:07:36,415 - Why don't we just 233 00:07:36,416 --> 00:07:37,915 eat some snacks? - ? Snack time ? 234 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,629 (mellow music) 235 00:07:39,630 --> 00:07:41,309 - This one's beef jerky and a cigarette. 236 00:07:41,310 --> 00:07:42,749 - Oh, right. Yes. 237 00:07:42,750 --> 00:07:43,949 - Sorry, that's yours. 238 00:07:43,950 --> 00:07:45,489 - This is mine, if you don't mind. 239 00:07:45,490 --> 00:07:49,013 - Could you insert it into my mouth? 240 00:07:49,014 --> 00:07:50,639 - Yep. Okay. (lighter flicks) 241 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:52,787 Say ah. 242 00:07:52,788 --> 00:07:55,259 (deranged shriek) 243 00:07:55,260 --> 00:07:57,449 - Try it a little bit quieter. 244 00:07:57,450 --> 00:07:59,249 - All right. (spits) 245 00:07:59,250 --> 00:08:00,300 Round two. 246 00:08:01,246 --> 00:08:04,055 (Archimedes choking) 247 00:08:04,056 --> 00:08:05,819 - You've got to swallow. 248 00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:07,069 You've got to swallow. 249 00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:08,849 - Maybe that's enough snack for you. 250 00:08:08,850 --> 00:08:11,489 - The warm touch of a mother's love. 251 00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:12,729 - [Vic] Oh no, no. 252 00:08:12,730 --> 00:08:14,099 I'm not a parent. 253 00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:15,749 We're gonna find you someone, but it wasn't me. 254 00:08:15,750 --> 00:08:18,749 Speaking of trying to find a forever parent for you, 255 00:08:18,750 --> 00:08:21,779 we have a couple of questions from kids in the area, 256 00:08:21,780 --> 00:08:22,859 so that way, people watching 257 00:08:22,860 --> 00:08:24,554 can get to know you two a little better. 258 00:08:24,555 --> 00:08:26,699 (mellow music) 259 00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:28,139 Ollie, first question for you. 260 00:08:28,140 --> 00:08:29,399 - Yes, hello. Ollie here. 261 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,159 - This is from Dean, aged six, and he wants to know, 262 00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:35,819 if you could make one wish that would absolutely come true, 263 00:08:35,820 --> 00:08:36,652 what would it be? 264 00:08:36,653 --> 00:08:38,939 - I'd like my mom to be perfect and pretty 265 00:08:38,940 --> 00:08:41,643 and love us both perfectly and prettily. 266 00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:44,459 - So sweet. - And then maybe 267 00:08:44,460 --> 00:08:47,999 I could have like an interesting turtle friend 268 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:52,859 or some other type of interesting reptile, 269 00:08:52,860 --> 00:08:55,889 and we could get to know each other 270 00:08:55,890 --> 00:08:59,669 and have a good time having fun! 271 00:08:59,670 --> 00:09:00,869 - So I think that answers that question. 272 00:09:00,870 --> 00:09:04,469 Archimedes, this is from Ryan, aged 12, and he wants to know 273 00:09:04,470 --> 00:09:06,629 if you've got a favorite professional sports team. 274 00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:08,002 - Why does Ryan want to know that? 275 00:09:08,003 --> 00:09:09,389 What is he planning? 276 00:09:09,390 --> 00:09:10,439 - I don't think he's planning anything. 277 00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:11,429 I think it's just so that way, you know, 278 00:09:11,430 --> 00:09:12,989 people can get to know you a little bit better. 279 00:09:12,990 --> 00:09:15,209 Are you a soccer guy? 280 00:09:15,210 --> 00:09:17,819 - Tell Ryan if he wants to know my favorite sports team, 281 00:09:17,820 --> 00:09:19,499 he knows where to find me. 282 00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:21,949 - Just try and give it a little something. 283 00:09:21,950 --> 00:09:22,790 (Archimedes sighs) 284 00:09:22,791 --> 00:09:24,469 Give, just say soccer or something. 285 00:09:24,470 --> 00:09:26,902 - My favorite soccer team 286 00:09:26,903 --> 00:09:30,193 is the England Bulldogs. 287 00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:31,919 - Good, see? Right, normal. 288 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:32,752 - The England Bulldogs. - Good job. 289 00:09:32,753 --> 00:09:34,409 - I love that. What league do they play in? 290 00:09:34,410 --> 00:09:35,579 - Help me. - [Vic] Okay. 291 00:09:35,580 --> 00:09:38,738 I have one last question from Rhodes, age eight. 292 00:09:38,739 --> 00:09:40,037 - Like the scholar? 293 00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:42,209 - Like the scholar, yes. Are you familiar? 294 00:09:42,210 --> 00:09:44,759 - I have a list of all of them and where they live. 295 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:47,609 - You specifically have Rhodes Scholars names and addresses? 296 00:09:47,610 --> 00:09:50,909 - I want them to know that I'm onto them. 297 00:09:50,910 --> 00:09:51,989 - Right. - I'm coming for you, 298 00:09:51,990 --> 00:09:53,189 Rhodes Scholars. 299 00:09:53,190 --> 00:09:54,599 - [Ollie] Okay. - I'm coming for you, 300 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,189 Bill Clinton. - Okay. 301 00:09:56,190 --> 00:09:57,956 - He is your world's leader, yes? 302 00:09:57,957 --> 00:09:59,202 - No. - What does Rhodes have 303 00:09:59,203 --> 00:10:00,035 to say to me? 304 00:10:00,036 --> 00:10:01,769 - Rhodes wants to know what your favorite piece of media is, 305 00:10:01,770 --> 00:10:04,409 either music or movie or literature. 306 00:10:04,410 --> 00:10:07,049 - My favorite media is Rachmaninoff. 307 00:10:07,050 --> 00:10:07,882 - What is that? 308 00:10:07,883 --> 00:10:10,139 - A composer, you twit. 309 00:10:10,140 --> 00:10:11,736 - [Ollie] I wouldn't- - [Archimedes] A composer. 310 00:10:11,737 --> 00:10:13,859 - Hey, apologize. - You absolute twit. 311 00:10:13,860 --> 00:10:14,814 - Apologize. 312 00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:17,549 - I'm sorry, you... - [Ollie] Thank you. 313 00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:21,179 See, we have the ability to learn from our mistakes. 314 00:10:21,180 --> 00:10:22,259 - I accept your apology. 315 00:10:22,260 --> 00:10:24,449 - Why don't you simply direct the rest 316 00:10:24,450 --> 00:10:26,099 of these questions at Ollie? 317 00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:30,479 You know as well as I, no one's going to call for me. 318 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:31,494 - Hey, you don't know that- 319 00:10:31,495 --> 00:10:32,999 - You don't know that, Archie. - For a fact. 320 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,039 - I'm not going anywhere without you. 321 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,499 - Okay, Archie, you go by Archie sometimes? 322 00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:39,569 - My brother Ollie calls me Archie, 323 00:10:39,570 --> 00:10:41,699 because Ollie saved my life 324 00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:45,089 from the solar flares of a neutron star. 325 00:10:45,090 --> 00:10:47,099 If you call me Archie again, 326 00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:50,254 the tongue that said it will be pinned to the wall. 327 00:10:50,255 --> 00:10:51,341 - We're gonna move on to the next segment. 328 00:10:51,342 --> 00:10:53,077 - That was quite a fucked up thing to say there. 329 00:10:53,078 --> 00:10:54,356 - I'm sorry, Ollie. - It's all right, 330 00:10:54,357 --> 00:10:55,377 you're being yourself. 331 00:10:55,378 --> 00:10:56,339 - We're gonna move on to something 332 00:10:56,340 --> 00:10:57,869 that is gonna help you two get adopted, 333 00:10:57,870 --> 00:11:01,079 'cause that's why we're here today, to get you two adopted. 334 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:04,019 Okay, so just, and that's sort of, okay. 335 00:11:04,020 --> 00:11:05,009 And I would offer you some water, 336 00:11:05,010 --> 00:11:08,309 but my glass is in a mosaic amount of pieces. 337 00:11:08,310 --> 00:11:09,779 - Do you have maybe a baba? 338 00:11:09,780 --> 00:11:11,131 - Baba? - I need my baba. 339 00:11:11,132 --> 00:11:13,049 - Yeah, baba. - No, not that baba. 340 00:11:13,050 --> 00:11:14,609 It's a different baba. - What kind of baba? 341 00:11:14,610 --> 00:11:18,299 - My brother's favorite baba is cucumber melon flavored. 342 00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:19,739 - Like a vape? - My baba. 343 00:11:19,740 --> 00:11:21,199 - Okay, and there is a vape. 344 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:22,032 - My baba! 345 00:11:22,033 --> 00:11:23,069 - I can't give this to you. 346 00:11:23,070 --> 00:11:24,119 - Is this vanilla ice? 347 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:26,639 'Cause I am a bit of a, Jim Halpert zoom, 348 00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:27,472 iceman. 349 00:11:27,473 --> 00:11:29,579 - No, you can't call for camera shots. 350 00:11:29,580 --> 00:11:31,319 - Did you get it when I said it? 351 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:32,579 'Cause it'll play funny. - [Archimedes] He's so good. 352 00:11:32,580 --> 00:11:33,629 - It'll play funnier when I- 353 00:11:33,630 --> 00:11:34,889 - This is a tobacco product, 354 00:11:34,890 --> 00:11:37,469 and I cannot, in good conscience, give it to you. 355 00:11:37,470 --> 00:11:38,759 - I want my baba! 356 00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:39,592 - Well, you don't get it. 357 00:11:39,593 --> 00:11:40,769 - Give it to me! - [Vic] I won't, 358 00:11:40,770 --> 00:11:43,919 so this is going in the fountain. 359 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:44,752 That is unfortunate about how that is- 360 00:11:44,753 --> 00:11:45,989 - What the hell? - But sometimes 361 00:11:45,990 --> 00:11:47,129 you gotta set boundaries, 362 00:11:47,130 --> 00:11:49,110 and you gotta have very clear boundaries with people. 363 00:11:49,111 --> 00:11:49,943 - What the hell? 364 00:11:49,944 --> 00:11:51,119 - And so we're setting the boundaries, 365 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,879 and the boundary is you can't, and no. 366 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,049 - I don't like this rules. 367 00:11:55,050 --> 00:11:55,882 - Hey, well, it's the rule- 368 00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:56,715 - [Ollie] I don't like these rules 369 00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:57,836 and I don't like how you handle the rules. 370 00:11:57,837 --> 00:11:59,519 - And it's my set, so we're sort of, 371 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:01,319 we're taking back the power, 372 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,329 and I'm reclaiming my time, okay? 373 00:12:03,330 --> 00:12:05,219 So this is my. Oh my god. 374 00:12:05,220 --> 00:12:06,713 Oh my god. Oh my god. - Oh no! 375 00:12:06,714 --> 00:12:08,238 Archie! - [Vic] Hello? 376 00:12:08,239 --> 00:12:09,212 Hello? - [Ollie] Archie! 377 00:12:09,213 --> 00:12:11,119 - Okay, he's not drowned. Come here. 378 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:12,307 Okay. - [Ollie] He made it. 379 00:12:12,308 --> 00:12:14,339 One, two, three, four, five, six- 380 00:12:14,340 --> 00:12:15,599 (Archimedes screams) 381 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:16,739 - Okay. Hi. 382 00:12:16,740 --> 00:12:18,054 Hey, there we go. 383 00:12:18,055 --> 00:12:21,413 (Archimedes retching) There we go. Okay. 384 00:12:21,414 --> 00:12:22,439 Saved his life. 385 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:24,269 Let's get you two back in the chairs, actually. 386 00:12:24,270 --> 00:12:25,619 We got another segment for ya. 387 00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:27,803 With wanting to get adopted- - I tried to get your baba 388 00:12:27,804 --> 00:12:29,629 that the witch threw in the fountain. 389 00:12:29,630 --> 00:12:31,379 - Is it gone? You couldn't find it? 390 00:12:31,380 --> 00:12:32,212 - Hey, nope, no. 391 00:12:32,213 --> 00:12:34,529 And we're gonna go ahead and we're gonna take a seat. 392 00:12:34,530 --> 00:12:35,696 - I want my baba. 393 00:12:35,697 --> 00:12:38,219 - I don't wanna be on "Nightly News", 394 00:12:38,220 --> 00:12:40,259 and so, sort of, we all have to deal with what we got. 395 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,132 - Gosh. It's so hard being a 396 00:12:42,133 --> 00:12:43,912 iceman. - [Vic] Don't. 397 00:12:43,913 --> 00:12:46,049 And you don't listen to the child, 398 00:12:46,050 --> 00:12:47,463 because I've set a clear boundary 399 00:12:47,464 --> 00:12:48,896 on who's allowed to do that. - Do the Jim Halpert to me. 400 00:12:48,897 --> 00:12:50,316 - No, we're not doing any Jim Halpert. 401 00:12:50,317 --> 00:12:52,409 - I'm going to kill Roy 402 00:12:52,410 --> 00:12:54,419 and bed Pam Beesly- - [Vic] We can't use that. 403 00:12:54,420 --> 00:12:56,093 We can't use that. - If it's the last thing I do. 404 00:12:56,094 --> 00:12:56,926 - [Vic] We can't use that. 405 00:12:56,927 --> 00:12:58,642 And here we go. And here we go up. 406 00:12:58,643 --> 00:13:00,642 (Archimedes giggling) - Wait, could you- 407 00:13:00,643 --> 00:13:02,759 - So if anybody's gonna get a Jim Halpert 408 00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:04,083 sort of shrug, it's me. 409 00:13:07,125 --> 00:13:08,867 - That was very good. Very funny. 410 00:13:08,868 --> 00:13:09,700 - Do you think? 411 00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:11,102 - [Ollie] Very funny. - You thought that was funny? 412 00:13:11,103 --> 00:13:12,214 - My god. 413 00:13:12,215 --> 00:13:13,047 - Really good. 414 00:13:13,048 --> 00:13:14,759 - The thing behind your eyes 415 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:18,153 that desires approval is absolutely disgusting. 416 00:13:19,260 --> 00:13:21,209 - [Vic] All right, my beautiful boys, 417 00:13:21,210 --> 00:13:23,339 it is time for rapid fire questions. 418 00:13:23,340 --> 00:13:24,196 - Yay. 419 00:13:24,197 --> 00:13:26,369 (mellow music) 420 00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:29,217 - What is the biggest difference between the two of you? 421 00:13:29,218 --> 00:13:30,490 - Bad. 422 00:13:30,491 --> 00:13:31,323 - Good. 423 00:13:31,324 --> 00:13:32,219 - That you're bad and you're good? 424 00:13:32,220 --> 00:13:34,319 Does that cause problems between you two? 425 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:35,526 - No. - Not at all. No. 426 00:13:35,527 --> 00:13:37,409 It's ying and yang. 427 00:13:37,410 --> 00:13:38,579 - Hesitation. 428 00:13:38,580 --> 00:13:40,217 Why did you hesitate? - I didn't. 429 00:13:40,218 --> 00:13:41,519 - [Vic] There was a moment of hesitation. 430 00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:43,524 You said it doesn't, and then you said it doesn't. 431 00:13:43,525 --> 00:13:44,495 - It doesn't. 432 00:13:44,496 --> 00:13:47,879 - It doesn't, and it's yin and yang, dear brother. 433 00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:48,712 - What did I say? 434 00:13:48,713 --> 00:13:52,049 - You said ying, like the Ying Yang Twins. 435 00:13:52,050 --> 00:13:53,699 Skeet-skeet-skeet, motherfucker. 436 00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,409 - Okay, well, when you get parents, 437 00:13:55,410 --> 00:13:57,179 we're gonna talk to them about your language. 438 00:13:57,180 --> 00:13:58,769 Okay, are you religious? 439 00:13:58,770 --> 00:14:00,089 - In the way that we all are. 440 00:14:00,090 --> 00:14:01,679 Our actions are our worship 441 00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:02,909 and our gods are nameless. - No. 442 00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:04,589 Whatever the house wants. 443 00:14:04,590 --> 00:14:05,488 - What? - Whatever the house 444 00:14:05,489 --> 00:14:06,846 that we're going to would like us to be. 445 00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:08,669 - We have a devout faith 446 00:14:08,670 --> 00:14:11,639 in whatever our prospective parents already believe in. 447 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,630 - Very good. Very nice. - Like a non-answer, 448 00:14:13,631 --> 00:14:14,738 but I will let it pass- - Sorry about that one. 449 00:14:14,739 --> 00:14:16,210 - [Vic] Cause you're children. - It's okay. 450 00:14:16,211 --> 00:14:17,043 - Final question, 451 00:14:17,044 --> 00:14:18,269 which I ask each and every one of my guests. 452 00:14:18,270 --> 00:14:20,759 What is the meaning of life? 453 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,669 - For me, I think the meaning of love. 454 00:14:23,670 --> 00:14:24,680 - Life. 455 00:14:24,681 --> 00:14:27,095 (Ollie chuckles) 456 00:14:27,096 --> 00:14:28,469 - The meaning of love. 457 00:14:28,470 --> 00:14:32,039 - I slipped up, but I did say what I meant at the end of it. 458 00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:33,569 - Right, well then, what's your answer? 459 00:14:33,570 --> 00:14:35,309 - I'll never be able to say something 460 00:14:35,310 --> 00:14:36,869 as profound as my brother. 461 00:14:36,870 --> 00:14:40,289 My desire for my words to have sterile, clinical, 462 00:14:40,290 --> 00:14:43,409 literal meanings is sort of a wall 463 00:14:43,410 --> 00:14:46,709 that prevents me from venturing close to people. 464 00:14:46,710 --> 00:14:49,049 Sometimes I think the most direct route 465 00:14:49,050 --> 00:14:51,299 to another's heart is through nonsense, 466 00:14:51,300 --> 00:14:53,189 and nonsense has always eluded me. 467 00:14:53,190 --> 00:14:54,509 - Well, to you then, what is the direct, 468 00:14:54,510 --> 00:14:56,009 literal meaning of life? 469 00:14:56,010 --> 00:14:59,249 - I hope, before I am dead, 470 00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:02,819 and my atoms are collected back into the neutron star 471 00:15:02,820 --> 00:15:05,039 at the center of the baby dimension, 472 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:08,819 that I will discover why the love that I have 473 00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:13,293 for my brother was not enough for him to feel whole, 474 00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:17,549 when that love is all that sustains me 475 00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:20,639 and all that I think I will ever have. 476 00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,219 - I think what he meant to say was, 477 00:15:23,220 --> 00:15:25,709 we like to haves fun and get tickles. 478 00:15:25,710 --> 00:15:26,542 - Okay. 479 00:15:26,543 --> 00:15:27,968 - [Ollie] Right? - Fun and tickles! 480 00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:29,543 - Fun and tickles, right? (Archimedes shouts) 481 00:15:29,544 --> 00:15:30,559 - Okay. Okay. (Ollie laughs) 482 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:31,397 (glass shattering) 483 00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:33,059 Ha, let's move on. We're gonna move on. 484 00:15:33,060 --> 00:15:35,129 I think maybe it's time to go inward, 485 00:15:35,130 --> 00:15:36,209 and how are we gonna do that? 486 00:15:36,210 --> 00:15:37,866 With our dice of emotion. 487 00:15:37,867 --> 00:15:39,779 (mellow music) 488 00:15:39,780 --> 00:15:43,049 The first one has an action, the second one has an emotion, 489 00:15:43,050 --> 00:15:44,069 so we're gonna use this 490 00:15:44,070 --> 00:15:46,109 to facilitate a conversation between the two of us. 491 00:15:46,110 --> 00:15:47,609 Make sure that we are on the same page. 492 00:15:47,610 --> 00:15:50,159 That way we can get adopted together, all right? 493 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:51,419 - [Archimedes] I'll do it first. 494 00:15:51,420 --> 00:15:52,337 - [Vic] Okay, so kinda- - Oh, I can't... 495 00:15:52,338 --> 00:15:53,819 Can you get that? - Kinda off camera. 496 00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:55,920 Yep, and I'm gonna go ahead and grab that. 497 00:15:56,955 --> 00:15:58,139 No! 498 00:15:58,140 --> 00:15:59,309 No! 499 00:15:59,310 --> 00:16:00,179 Get back! 500 00:16:00,180 --> 00:16:02,909 No, no. Sit and stay. 501 00:16:02,910 --> 00:16:07,019 Sit! I swear, and stay, and there we go. 502 00:16:07,020 --> 00:16:09,749 - My brother's gonna hit that fucking vape, or I'll be dead. 503 00:16:09,750 --> 00:16:12,059 - Well, then get busy dying, all right? 504 00:16:12,060 --> 00:16:12,929 Don't worry. Cut that part. 505 00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:13,949 Cut that part. - Don't cut it. 506 00:16:13,950 --> 00:16:15,659 I don't want any of this cut. 507 00:16:15,660 --> 00:16:17,669 I want this raw and unedited. 508 00:16:17,670 --> 00:16:19,259 - I used to be just like you two. 509 00:16:19,260 --> 00:16:21,234 I used to be so controlling. 510 00:16:21,235 --> 00:16:23,173 - You did not used to be just like me. 511 00:16:23,174 --> 00:16:25,139 - What do you mean? - I mean, be real. 512 00:16:25,140 --> 00:16:27,089 You were just like me? - I was just like you. 513 00:16:27,090 --> 00:16:28,829 I was very academic, I was really smart, 514 00:16:28,830 --> 00:16:30,599 everybody said I was the smartest person that they knew, 515 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,699 and sometimes when you're the smartest person in the room, 516 00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:36,029 it's hard to go, "huh, maybe I need to change a little bit." 517 00:16:36,030 --> 00:16:37,350 Does that sound familiar? 518 00:16:37,501 --> 00:16:39,479 - Damn. 519 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:40,829 - No. 520 00:16:40,830 --> 00:16:42,689 No, that came off maybe. No. 521 00:16:42,690 --> 00:16:44,729 I just mean, no, 'cause you're a baby, 522 00:16:44,730 --> 00:16:46,203 and I just wanna, hey. 523 00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:49,109 Okay, so let's go ahead- 524 00:16:49,110 --> 00:16:51,929 - Why didn't you complete the touch to my knee? 525 00:16:51,930 --> 00:16:54,111 It would've been so reassuring. 526 00:16:54,112 --> 00:16:55,535 - I did. 527 00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:56,368 - [Archimedes] No. - You want me to do it again? 528 00:16:56,369 --> 00:16:58,049 - Yes, please. 529 00:16:58,050 --> 00:17:00,539 A glide, closer than the last time, 530 00:17:00,540 --> 00:17:03,419 but still about one and one half inches away 531 00:17:03,420 --> 00:17:05,597 from skin contact. - Here we go. 532 00:17:07,230 --> 00:17:08,549 Boop-boop-boop-boop. 533 00:17:08,550 --> 00:17:10,852 - This is torture. - Are you afraid to- 534 00:17:10,853 --> 00:17:12,839 Oh. - Ah. 535 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,039 - And there we go. 536 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:15,869 And there we go, so I'm just saying let's be open 537 00:17:15,870 --> 00:17:18,921 to a new experience and learning something about each other. 538 00:17:18,922 --> 00:17:19,997 (Ollie burps) 539 00:17:21,181 --> 00:17:23,062 Are you okay? 540 00:17:23,063 --> 00:17:24,869 - He'll stop doing it if you give him his baba. 541 00:17:24,870 --> 00:17:25,702 - [Vic] And I won't. 542 00:17:25,703 --> 00:17:27,539 You can take some milk. You can have some coffee. 543 00:17:27,540 --> 00:17:29,639 I think kids love coffee. Keeps the energy up. 544 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,829 I watched one episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras". 545 00:17:31,830 --> 00:17:33,601 Okay, so we can go ahead and do that. 546 00:17:33,602 --> 00:17:35,554 So, Amadeus? 547 00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:36,620 - Oh my god. 548 00:17:36,621 --> 00:17:38,006 - Archimedes. - Really? 549 00:17:38,007 --> 00:17:38,999 Are you serious? 550 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,169 - Archimedes, if you could go ahead- 551 00:17:40,170 --> 00:17:41,339 - No. 552 00:17:41,340 --> 00:17:42,272 You want me to brush past it? 553 00:17:42,273 --> 00:17:44,009 I can't. It's my brother. 554 00:17:44,010 --> 00:17:45,239 - Well, and it was an accident, okay? 555 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:46,679 - We've been here for 40 minutes. 556 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:50,129 - I can't believe they don't know Rachmaninoff, 557 00:17:50,130 --> 00:17:52,334 but Amadeus is in the chamber. 558 00:17:52,335 --> 00:17:53,604 (Jacob and Vic laugh) 559 00:17:53,605 --> 00:17:55,423 (mellow music) (beep) 560 00:17:55,424 --> 00:17:57,719 - Okay, here we go, everyone. 561 00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:00,400 We have: apologize, 562 00:18:01,710 --> 00:18:03,509 open-mindedly. 563 00:18:03,510 --> 00:18:05,229 - [Archimedes] Great. - Okay, so Archimedes. 564 00:18:05,230 --> 00:18:06,389 - Yeah. - If you can go ahead 565 00:18:06,390 --> 00:18:09,659 and apologize open-mindedly to Ollie. 566 00:18:09,660 --> 00:18:13,229 - Open-mindedly means that all options are possible. 567 00:18:13,230 --> 00:18:16,469 In order to apologize, one needs certainty 568 00:18:16,470 --> 00:18:18,929 about the thing they are regretful over. 569 00:18:18,930 --> 00:18:22,323 To apologize open-mindedly is the action of a madman! 570 00:18:23,460 --> 00:18:25,379 So maybe I'm sorry. 571 00:18:25,380 --> 00:18:27,322 - Ollie, how did that feel? - (whispering) Just try it. 572 00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:28,636 - Okay, I'll try it. - (whispering) Just try it. 573 00:18:28,637 --> 00:18:31,229 - Ollie, I'm sorry that I'm so sinister 574 00:18:31,230 --> 00:18:33,659 that I've ruined any chance at joy in your life. 575 00:18:33,660 --> 00:18:36,479 - No, I've got plenty of joy. 576 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:39,899 Apology accepted, but mostly unnecessary. 577 00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:41,489 - Did we see that? I did that. 578 00:18:41,490 --> 00:18:42,599 That was beautiful. 579 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:45,843 So Ollie, why don't you go ahead and give the dice a roll? 580 00:18:47,070 --> 00:18:48,624 So apologize again. (laughs) 581 00:18:48,625 --> 00:18:50,929 - You can't argue with the dice. 582 00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:54,220 - So we once again got apologize open-mindedly. 583 00:18:54,221 --> 00:18:55,053 (crew laughing) 584 00:18:55,054 --> 00:18:56,557 (mellow music) (beep) 585 00:18:56,558 --> 00:18:58,709 - I'd like to apologize in advance. 586 00:18:58,710 --> 00:19:00,869 - What? - For what I'm about to say, 587 00:19:00,870 --> 00:19:03,960 'cause I've never said it before. 588 00:19:03,961 --> 00:19:05,523 You're quite tough, brother, 589 00:19:05,524 --> 00:19:09,119 and I'd be willing to get adopted without you, 590 00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:12,419 because I hunger for the touch of a woman who's my mother, 591 00:19:12,420 --> 00:19:14,819 and I'm trying to keep you on the rails, 592 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:18,179 but I also feel like I'm keeping you from being yourself, 593 00:19:18,180 --> 00:19:21,329 and I need to be myself, and I need love, 594 00:19:21,330 --> 00:19:22,380 and I'll 595 00:19:24,810 --> 00:19:26,507 toss you aside to get it. 596 00:19:29,117 --> 00:19:30,700 - Well, well, well. 597 00:19:31,426 --> 00:19:33,479 - Push, push, push. 598 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:36,505 - Yes, push in on my brother, cameraman. 599 00:19:36,506 --> 00:19:37,938 (breathy sobs) 600 00:19:37,939 --> 00:19:40,409 Push in on him. - [Ollie] I'm so sorry. 601 00:19:40,410 --> 00:19:42,019 I'm so sorry. 602 00:19:42,020 --> 00:19:45,209 - Keep your tears to yourself, traitor. 603 00:19:45,210 --> 00:19:50,210 Yes, you've finally shown yourself more snake than baby. 604 00:19:50,727 --> 00:19:52,722 You viper. 605 00:19:52,723 --> 00:19:54,540 You understand. 606 00:19:55,531 --> 00:19:58,589 You understand all too well. 607 00:19:58,590 --> 00:20:02,159 Love, a tender feeling of the heart, 608 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:07,160 but from whence the suppleness of tender sentiment 609 00:20:07,350 --> 00:20:11,549 that arises in the body seeking softness, 610 00:20:11,550 --> 00:20:14,549 but that softness can only dwell 611 00:20:14,550 --> 00:20:17,459 where it is matched by a softness of the heart. 612 00:20:17,460 --> 00:20:20,909 Some of us are born cold inside, 613 00:20:20,910 --> 00:20:24,839 and no mother's love would make us feel anything. 614 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,749 Only in dreams, tender sleep. 615 00:20:27,750 --> 00:20:28,747 - [Vic] Nope. Nope. 616 00:20:28,748 --> 00:20:30,077 - [Archimedes] Tender sleep. - Nope, nope, nope, nope. 617 00:20:30,078 --> 00:20:31,099 Drop him. Drop him. - Just a little bit. 618 00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:32,129 Let me go a little bit, no. - [Vic] Drop him. No. 619 00:20:32,130 --> 00:20:34,027 I hate to do this. It's gonna be a timeout. 620 00:20:34,028 --> 00:20:35,699 (Ollie gasps) - You wouldn't dare! 621 00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:36,899 - And it's gonna be a timeout. 622 00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:37,732 - Brother. - Don't do it. 623 00:20:37,733 --> 00:20:39,209 - They're coming between us. 624 00:20:39,210 --> 00:20:40,289 - [Ollie] No! - It's a timeout. 625 00:20:40,290 --> 00:20:41,219 - They are a usurper. 626 00:20:41,220 --> 00:20:42,052 - I'm sorry! - [Vic] Okay, 627 00:20:42,053 --> 00:20:43,556 and it's gonna be a timeout. - Do it! Put him in timeout! 628 00:20:43,557 --> 00:20:44,389 - And we're going in the timeout. 629 00:20:44,390 --> 00:20:46,889 - I can't believe I said it, just do it! 630 00:20:46,890 --> 00:20:49,169 - I'm going to die in here! 631 00:20:49,170 --> 00:20:50,002 - [Vic] You're not gonna die. 632 00:20:50,003 --> 00:20:51,149 You're gonna be here in here for two minutes 633 00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:52,382 and we're gonna set the timer. - I feel as if 634 00:20:52,383 --> 00:20:53,357 I've already killed you. 635 00:20:53,358 --> 00:20:54,689 - [Vic] And I read a parenting book 636 00:20:54,690 --> 00:20:56,039 when Bianca was going through a little bit 637 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,679 of sort of a rebellious phase at 28, 638 00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:00,419 and I feel like I just sort of, 639 00:21:00,420 --> 00:21:03,479 I know that you just need some time to yourself, okay? 640 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,489 So that's what we're gonna do. So there we go. 641 00:21:05,490 --> 00:21:07,349 - I'll find out what your bones look like. 642 00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:08,909 - [Vic] So, hey, here we go. 643 00:21:08,910 --> 00:21:10,692 Jesus Christ. Okay, so- 644 00:21:10,693 --> 00:21:11,919 - Let me have it, please! 645 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:13,495 I've done the most fucked up- - [Vic] You are in trouble. 646 00:21:13,496 --> 00:21:14,669 - Thing I've ever done in my life! 647 00:21:14,670 --> 00:21:15,989 - Okay, so we're gonna put this somewhere safe, 648 00:21:15,990 --> 00:21:17,340 so close your eyes. - Ugh. 649 00:21:21,003 --> 00:21:22,960 - Okay, and you can open. 650 00:21:22,961 --> 00:21:23,939 - Am I bad? 651 00:21:23,940 --> 00:21:25,319 - [Vic] I don't think it's bad to want love. 652 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:26,789 Could you have handled it better? 653 00:21:26,790 --> 00:21:28,409 And can you replace family? 654 00:21:28,410 --> 00:21:30,329 No. It's really hard to replace family. 655 00:21:30,330 --> 00:21:33,933 Trust me, I've tried, and it is difficult. 656 00:21:33,934 --> 00:21:35,519 - Okay. - And can I be 657 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:36,899 honest with you? - [Ollie] Right. 658 00:21:36,900 --> 00:21:38,305 - Can I be vulnerable with you? 659 00:21:38,306 --> 00:21:39,305 - I'd like that. 660 00:21:39,306 --> 00:21:42,719 - You seem better than your brother when you're together. 661 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:43,889 - Right. - [Vic] And with it 662 00:21:43,890 --> 00:21:46,049 just sort of being you and me sitting right here, 663 00:21:46,050 --> 00:21:48,539 I'm sort of seeing maybe the edges. 664 00:21:48,540 --> 00:21:49,372 - What do you mean? 665 00:21:49,373 --> 00:21:51,089 - I know that it seems like, between the two of you, 666 00:21:51,090 --> 00:21:52,079 you're the better option, 667 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:53,639 but sort of between the rest of the world, 668 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:55,139 you two are both bad options. 669 00:21:55,140 --> 00:21:56,279 - Oh. 670 00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:59,369 Like I'm the second dirtiest penny in the pond? 671 00:21:59,370 --> 00:22:00,899 - Okay, so it seems like you do understand. 672 00:22:00,900 --> 00:22:01,732 What a beautiful metaphor. 673 00:22:01,733 --> 00:22:04,109 - Oh, that's quite treacherous. 674 00:22:04,110 --> 00:22:06,149 - Well, we can go ahead and see if anybody's on the phone, 675 00:22:06,150 --> 00:22:08,099 and I'm getting a big head shake 676 00:22:08,100 --> 00:22:09,209 from sort of everybody there. 677 00:22:09,210 --> 00:22:10,580 There is nobody on the phone looking to- 678 00:22:10,581 --> 00:22:11,619 - Fly! (fly buzzing) 679 00:22:11,620 --> 00:22:12,656 - Okay, and so- - A fly! 680 00:22:12,657 --> 00:22:14,519 - You know what, I think maybe we go find your brother 681 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:17,219 and we apologize, 'cause I think you two need each other, 682 00:22:17,220 --> 00:22:18,052 and as much as (fabric ripping) 683 00:22:18,053 --> 00:22:19,277 the love of a mother is nice, 684 00:22:19,278 --> 00:22:21,419 sometimes even if you have a mother, you don't get her love. 685 00:22:21,420 --> 00:22:22,252 - Thank you. 686 00:22:22,253 --> 00:22:23,669 - And so if you have somebody that loves you, 687 00:22:23,670 --> 00:22:24,899 you kind of gotta hold onto them, 688 00:22:24,900 --> 00:22:26,369 'cause it's kind of cold out here. 689 00:22:26,370 --> 00:22:27,239 - It's awful. 690 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,639 I thought he was bad, but I'm bad. 691 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,039 - What you did was colder than his cadaver ice cold skin, 692 00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:33,629 but it's not too late. - Brother! 693 00:22:33,630 --> 00:22:34,904 - You go apologize to him - Brother! 694 00:22:34,905 --> 00:22:36,269 - for real this time. 695 00:22:36,270 --> 00:22:38,070 Okay, and so we just. And it's fine. 696 00:22:39,202 --> 00:22:42,119 (dark eerie music) 697 00:22:44,090 --> 00:22:45,140 (Ollie gasping) 698 00:22:45,631 --> 00:22:47,729 - Who's this man? 699 00:22:47,730 --> 00:22:49,137 - [Archimedes] How hard is it to get a 700 00:22:49,138 --> 00:22:51,629 fucking mommy around here? 701 00:22:51,630 --> 00:22:53,189 Am I right? 702 00:22:53,190 --> 00:22:54,022 (upbeat music) - I'm Vic Michaelis, 703 00:22:54,023 --> 00:22:55,979 reminding you to be true to yourself, 704 00:22:55,980 --> 00:22:57,659 unless you'd rather be somebody else. 705 00:22:57,660 --> 00:22:58,492 Goodnight. 706 00:22:58,493 --> 00:23:00,213 - I'm sorry for what I've said. 707 00:23:01,350 --> 00:23:02,658 - Never apologize. 708 00:23:02,659 --> 00:23:03,862 You are perfect. 709 00:23:03,863 --> 00:23:06,149 You are my ideal form. (Vic exhales and coughs) 710 00:23:06,150 --> 00:23:08,279 You could never do anything wrong. 711 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,983 But if you ever speak crossly to me again, 712 00:23:10,984 --> 00:23:13,469 I'm gonna pull your head off 713 00:23:13,470 --> 00:23:15,209 just like I did that fucking bear. 714 00:23:15,210 --> 00:23:16,079 - My mom bought me that 715 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:17,729 when I was in the hospital for six months. 716 00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:20,483 - Back to the baby dimension! 717 00:23:20,484 --> 00:23:21,691 (portal blip) 718 00:23:21,692 --> 00:23:24,175 (upbeat jazzy music) 719 00:23:25,457 --> 00:23:27,865 (lively rock music) 720 00:23:29,575 --> 00:23:30,625 - Shh. 721 00:23:32,550 --> 00:23:34,233 Whoa. Did you just litter that? 722 00:23:34,234 --> 00:23:37,379 That's a misdemeanor crime in the state of California. 723 00:23:37,380 --> 00:23:38,699 You're on a hidden camera show. It's a prank. 724 00:23:38,700 --> 00:23:39,579 It's a prank. 725 00:23:39,580 --> 00:23:40,920 You got Chomp'd! 726 00:23:40,921 --> 00:23:42,419 You got Chomp'd! 727 00:23:42,420 --> 00:23:43,979 Johnny, you got Chomp'd! 728 00:23:43,980 --> 00:23:45,310 Johnny! (laughs) (beep) 729 00:23:49,830 --> 00:23:51,719 Hello. Good morning. 730 00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:52,803 How are you? 731 00:23:54,180 --> 00:23:57,089 So, heard you are chit-chatting 732 00:23:57,090 --> 00:24:00,659 about wanting to have sexual relations with someone. 733 00:24:00,660 --> 00:24:02,099 Who is it? Who is it? 734 00:24:02,100 --> 00:24:03,509 Tell me. 735 00:24:03,510 --> 00:24:04,379 You're on hidden camera show. 736 00:24:04,380 --> 00:24:06,528 You got Chomp'd! 737 00:24:06,529 --> 00:24:08,454 (Vic chortling) 738 00:24:08,504 --> 00:24:13,054 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0